The Misogyny of Motherhood

Asalamu alaikum,

I have come to believe that there is no group of people in the west more hateful, hurtful and harmful to mamas than other mothers. When I speak with many mothers, whether they have one kid or six, I find a shocking lack of confidence in their roles of mothering and an abundance of negative, often harmful, criticism towards the choices made by other mothers. This is not to say that i havent encountered some amazingly laid back, confident mamas who live and let live (or who give kick ass advice when asked), because i have. What concerns me the most is that I know many perfectly competent, awesome mamas who are in regular internal flux, questioning and doubting every child based decision they make because of the criticism and pressures they meet from other mothers.

Instead of supporting choices made by other women in how we wish to raise our children – from breastfeeding versus bottle feeding, cloth diapering versus disposable, co-sleeping/room sharing versus separate sleeping rooms, home schooling versus public or private or religious eduation and so on- we criticize, admonish, insult and even in some instances, threaten, mothers who make choices different from our own. We judge, condescend and mock women who make educated decisions for the sake of their children simply because the decisions they make are ones that we disagree with or don’t fully comprehend.

Clearly, these attitudes are born out of severe insecurity in our parenting skills and capabilities. We doubt the choices that we make, the decisions we reach and the styles and philosophies we implement. Why do we have this incessant need to impose our opinions and styles upon other mamas? Because we are not comfortable enough in our own selves to simply say ‘I mother this way, you mother that way, and we are probably both doing a great job!’

We are stewing so deeply in our own poor self esteem that we are actively attempting to sabatoge the parenting skills of other women. Is there anything more hateful towards women than that? It is abusive and it is wholly unbecoming in a Muslimah. When we have so much self hatred that we can’t let other women make informed choices on their own for how they wish to feed, diaper, put to nap/sleep or educate their kids, we have to admit that sisterhood is dead. At least within those of us who can’t sit back and let our friends make educated decisions on their own without criticizing them or trying to force our opinions upon them (unless of course they actually ASK for our advice…).

We can label our parenting styles with any pointless title that we like (attachment style, traditional style, mamatoto style, western style) but in the end, these are valueless window dressings that mean nothing and too often divert us from implementing the best choices for our own specific situations. Mamas get so caught up in attaching ourselves to a particular parenting style that we forget that in doing so we are likely ignoring parenting practices that might be highly useful or beneficial for certain situations that we find ourselves in. Instead of being fluid and open to educating ourselves, we have become rigid, closed and fundamentalist in our parenting approach. Instead of examining each situation as it comes, we stick to predecided ideas that we have often garnered from sources that probably dont have our own children’s best interest at heart, but who stand to make money by selling their opinions or holding monthly ‘support’ meetings.

This rigidity and extremism is bad enough when we are forcing it upon our own households, but when we are so self loathing that we need to push it on others in order to feel good about our choices, then we really have gone too far. We have become, in every sense of the word, misogynists.

We look to all number of non-Muslim self proclaimed child rearing experts on how to take care of our kids while ignoring the very basis for how best to actually rear them… by respecting the Allah given instincts that we were born with. We need to keep an open mind to different approaches and couple this with the advices and examples set by our Pious Predecessors and living female Scholars who lecture and publish on this topic regularly.

Mamas could also learn some strong lessons from our female family members and Muslim sisters who kindly sit back and support our choices, even when they wholly disagree with us, but support our right to parent how we believe anyway. There is much wisdom in these women, if only we would stop to observe….

masalam

t.k

coming soon, inshaAllah: Where’s the Tarbiyah, Muslim Parents?

Judge Not Lest Ye… Be Considered a Judgemental Twit…

asalamu aliakum, y’all,

i have been working on berating myself more often as of late when it comes to issues of judging others. No, i am not a masochist, just someone who has discovered over the years that turning judgement and criticism of others inward instead of outward, is a lot more productive and Islamically sound. Now, i am not saying that judging the actions of one who commits heinous crimes is wrong, of course it’s not wrong. The judgement i am talking about is that critical, ‘you’re wrong and i am right’ sort of judgement that is all too pervasive in the ummah today. (Heck, it’s pervasive everywhere, but i am only really interested in tackling the muslim issue here…)

For a long time, particularly the first few years after i reverted, i had a holier than thou sort of approach to my sisters in deen. i was critical of clothes that they wore (or didnt wear), scholars that they followed (or didnt follow), how much sunnah they incorporated into their daly lives. Everything. You name it, i could find fault with it. i have met very few reverts who do not go through this phase, in fact i have met only a handful. And it’s not only the reverts, of course. Born muslimahs are just as guilty of these judge and juror type behaviours. i can’t tell you how many sister’s gatherings i attended early in my life as a muslim where some sister would point out the evils of this scholar or that, who would pronounce some local sister deviant and so on. Eventually i became just as judgemental, just as ignorant and arrogant. i feel blessed because my period of living life in such a self hating manner was relatively short lived and Allah fairly quickly blessed me with ‘ilm.

In reality, there is not a righteous scholar alive who says ‘my way is the right way and everyone else is wrong’. Any one who would dare make such a pronouncment would be considered neither righteous or scholarly. Because if one lives for Allah and only Allah, they would never assume any sort of ‘saved’ mentality at all.

A few years ago i heard my favourite local scholar explain his approach thus, ‘I practice the deen with the belief that the manner in which I do is correct, but with the possiblity that I could be wrong.’ From that point on, i began to approach my deen differently. i continued to study and practice the way i believe is correct, but with the possiblity that i have it wrong and that others have it right. i now always assume that every Muslim i meet is a better Muslim than i am, with a higher station with Allah, and that no matter appearances, i can always learn something of benefit from that Muslim.

If one studies the hadith collections, we can see absolute proof that the Prophet, peace be upon him, encouraged certain actions and taught certain things to some individuals and groups while teaching something mildy or sometimes, very different to other groups or individuals, depending on situations, locations and events. These instructions are not viewed by hadith scholars as contradictory in and of themselves, they are viewed just as they were during the time of the Prophet, peace be upon him, and that is simply that different situations call, sometimes, for different approaches. Since Islam is a deen for all times, all people and all places, it would be ridiculous to think that as a Canadian woman living in the 21st century that i ought to be living exactly as a woman in the Arabian penninsula lived 1000 years ago. Only the most ignorant of this ummah actually believe that way. The differences recorded in the compliations are proof that it is permissable to have difference of opinions on the minor issues, and in this is Mercy from the One Who is Most Merciful.

So knowing that there are differences of opinion within sound Islamic scholarship and that each Muslim today has different life experiences which guide the way in which he or she approaches the deen, we ought to look upon each other with gentleness, acceptance and the true love for one’s fellow Believers, as Commanded by the One Who knows better than we do.

A scholar that i study with regularly reminds his students to always look at others with the benefit of the doubt and to assume that we are the ones who are mistaken. Most important, perhaps, he reminds each of us to not concern ourselves with that which does not concern us. In other words, i need to mind my own business.

So if the sister down the street really wants to appoint herself president of the haram police, that is really not my concern. i need to hoe my own row and turn my judgement and criticism inwards, and make dua’a for my sister that she too will find peace enough within herself to not view others with that critical, judgemental eye.

May Allah subhanahu wa tala guide this ummah to true righteousness, not the self appointed variety. ameeen.

masalama

t.k